Collage295

Collage 295 H u m o u r N e t 19 SEP 96In Collage 293, there appeared a piece that referenced the Moslemholiday of "Ramazan." The piece was submitted by Tunc in Istanbul,Turkey. Having several Moslem friends, I know that the typical*English* spelling of the holiday is "Ramadan"; however, I do notAnglicize foreign spellings, so I assumed that "Ramazan" was aregional spelling, and left it intact.Well, a few of you decided to "correct" the spelling, so I figuredI'd check with Tunc; here is what he had to say on the matter:TA: You can spell either Ramadan or Ramazan, though Ramadan is theTA: common form in English speaking community. In Turkish, it isTA: Ramazan and the most comprehensive English-Turkish (incl.TA: Ottoman) dictionary around (Redhouse, 22nd Edition, April 1994,TA: ISBN 975-413-021-3 -- "A lexicon, English and Turkish") suggestsTA: "Ramazan." It is not a *mis*spelling but may be considered as aTA: *co*spelling.Thus, I will have to defer to Tunc's expertise (and spelling) onthis issue. Moreover, I do not wish to bring the Wrath Of Allah uponme. :-) Plus, Tunc has been a subscriber for nearly a year and a halfnow, and he hasn't steered me wrong yet...However, I *am* a stickler for proper grammar, and often do my bestto un-ingratiate myself with the grammar impaired -- all in the nam promoting literacy, of course. (Note, BTW, that all criticismsare specifically limited to those who should know better -- that is,those people for whom English is a "first" language.)I'll come back to that shortly, by way of the following usefulinformation...Riaan in Pretoria, South Africa, sent me the following instructionsfor fingering my "list status" account via e-mail: Send an e-mail to: finger@infomania.com make the subject: humour@humournet.com(This will return the current status of the HumourNet mailing list.)Naturally, I had to try it, myself, before I could publish it here.I'm happy to report that it works quite nicely -- however, theresponse from the server ends with the following line:"This mail server was hired for it's abilities and not it's opinions."The literate among you are cringing right now; those less endowedare saying, "Huh? What's the problem?"The problem, as I pointed out to Jason, the infobot manager, is theuse of the contraction "it's" -- meaning "it is" -- where thepossessive form, "its," is intended. Actually, what I did was copythe errant construction (above), followed by my comment: "... nor its spelling abilities."Well, let's just say that Jason didn't really appreciate either theeffort or the humor. ;-) But you can only lead the horsie to thewater, I guess.Have you ever tried explaining to employees in a fast-food restaurantthat one of their signs has a spelling error in it? You'd have betterluck explaining quantum mechanics to a dance major.Sure, it's only English -- not something genuinely *worth*preserving, like French. Nonetheless, some people just seem bentupon destroying the language. Worse yet, some of this destruction isvirtually *institutionalized* in various American dialects. And anentertaining [new?] site attempts to document this debacle via somerather amusing examples:"Slanguage"I dropped by the site and entered my geographical alma mater, NewJersey (aka "Jurzey" -- *not* "Joisey," which is a distinctivelyBrooklyn pronunciation), and the series of mispronunciations andmiscellaneous "slanguages" nearly brought a tear to my eye.Of course, the fact that New Jersey and Rhode Island are listed as"cities" nearly brought a tear to my eye, as well -- but the site isentertaining, nonetheless.Of course, the perpetual destruction of the English language issomething of an ongoing disaster that the Brits have had to witnessfor several years now; hence, they prefer to eliminate confusion(along with any claim to the bastardized version) by referring toBritSpeak as "English," and U.S.Speak as "American." And, in thatvein, I have placed in the HumourNet Archives one of the mostcomplete -- and entertaining -- contrasts of the two languages thatI have ever seen compiled in one place:"English vs. American"(This piece is also available from the Colossal Humor Page, at thebottom of the "More Humor" section.)Finally, while we're on the subject of languages, I have a ratherimportant announcement to make: Valentin, one of my subscribers inItaly, will be translating Collages into Italian as time permits inhis schedule. In order to announce this fact to my Italiansubscribership, I asked Valentin to translate the phrase, "A specialannouncement for all Italians on the list!" into Italian for me:"Un annuncio speciale per tutti gli italiani sulla lista! Vengoin Italia la prossima settimana a trovarvi! Vi comunicheroprossimamente data e ora del volo, cos mi venite a prenderedirettamente all'aeroporto!"You see, Valentin doesn't realize that I know what that statement*really* says. Truth of the matter is, I already *have* a ride fromthe airport. ;-) (Note, BTW, that I had to modify Valentin'stranslation to fit the standard ASCII character set (per RFC 822) topreclude MIME encoding this mail message; the versions on the Webpage and FTP archives, as well as the posted versions of Valentin'stranslations, will appear in their proper form.)So, in all seriousness:"Un annuncio speciale per tutti gli italiani sulla lista!"The translated Collages (henceforth known as "Raccoltas") can beretrieved from the following directory (currently, only Raccolta 293is in there):Though the "Italia" directory's name might change, the Raccoltanomenclature should remain constant: raccNNN.txt, where NNN is theCollage number.I'd like to extend a *very* big "Thank you!" to Valentin for thetranslation services; he is providing these services *gratis* -- andhas only been a subscriber for a couple of months now!I guess he really can't stand the English -- er, *American* --versions. ;-) And, with a Collage like this, I can understand why;thus, I'd like to announce the first Collage that *won't* translateinto Italian. Yes, it's another "English Language Humour" Collage,with thanks duly noted as follows:Shawn King, the Bawdy.Net moderator, takes credit for "Ships in theNight." (Note that Shawn routinely pokes fun at my anal retentivenessabout spelling and grammar, and sent this one with a note to theeffect of "Here's one that only *you* could appreciate." We'll see.)Daniel in Maryland contributes the "Quasi-Canonical List ofOxymorons" (with assists from Mark, Philip, Colin, and Gerry, who'veall helped augment the list followingt distribution of the originalCollage);Steve Willoughby, moderator for the Oracle Service Humor List, sends"Decimating the Language" (a little more graphic than the usual fare,but amusing nonetheless);Melvin in Berlin, Germany, contributes "More Newspaper Headlines"(I've done my best to eliminate the duplicates; see also Collages 109and 280);Gary in Virginia accepts the kudos for "Tracing it Back";and Neil in Acton, Massachusetts, adds to the "Bad Metaphor" piecein Collage 258, with "More Analogies From 'The Style Invitational.'"Many thanks to all our contributors -- and also to Valentin, Tunc,and Riaan for their invaluable assistance and contributions.And since I've mentioned Anglicizing Collages, note that I *do*Anglicize certain differences in language and usage -- primarily toprovide consistency in the mechanics of the presentation. Acceptedregional spellings, however, are not changed -- colour, centre,theatre, etc.This is, after all, *Humour*Net. ;-)- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": Ships in the NightBy Lawrence BushI had only just arrived at the club when I bumped into Roger. Afterwe had exchanged a few pleasantries, he lowered his voice and asked,"What do you think of Martha and I as a potential twosome?"That," I replied, "would be a mistake. Martha and me is more likeit."You're interested in Martha?"I'm interested in clear communication."Fair enough," he agreed. "May the best man win." Then he sighed."Here I thought we had a clear path to becoming a very uniquecouple."You couldn't be a very unique couple, Roger."Oh? And why is that?"Martha couldn't be a little pregnant, could she?"Say what? You think that Martha and me...."Martha and I."Oh." Roger blushed and set down his drink. "Gee, I didn't know."Of course you didn't," I assured him. "Most people don't."I feel very badly about this."You shouldn't say that: I feel bad...."Please, don't," Roger said. "If anyone's at fault here, it's me!"
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SUBJ: Quasi-Canonical List of OxymoronsAccurate statisticsAct naturallyAdvanced BASICAirline foodAlmost exactlyAlone togetherAmerican cultureAOL Customer ServiceBritish cuisineBritish fashionBusiness ethicsButt headCalifornia champagneCalifornia cultureChildproofChristian ScientistsClearly misunderstoodComputer jockComputer securityCountry musicDefinite maybeDiet ice creamEuropean unityExact estimateFound missingFunctional softwareGenuine imitationGood griefGovernment organizationLegally drunkLight operaLive recordingLiving deadMicrosoft WorksMilitary intelligenceMovie theatreNew classic"Now, then..."Passive aggressionPeace forcePlastic glassesPolitical sciencePretty uglyRap musicReligious toleranceResident alienResults may be unpredictableSafe sexSame differenceSanitary landfillSilent screamSmall crowdSoft rockSoftware documentationSweet sorrowSynthetic natural gasTaped liveTemporary tax increaseTerribly pleased"This page intentionally left blank"Tight slacksUnexpected errorWorking vacationJerry in Vicksburg, Missouri, adds these:FORTRAN programJumbo shrimpPresident ClintonReal-time Unix
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SUBJ: Decimating the LanguageLeroy is an 18-year-old fourth grader who is becoming increasinglydisillusioned with the public school system.One day, Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to dowas put each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence.Here's what he wrote.[Editor's Note: Leroy attends the "Barnyard Rundown ElementarySchool" in Newark, New Jersey -- so he's not exactly starting offin the pole position, if you get my drift. ]1. HOTEL: I give my girlfriend da crabs and da HOTEL everybody.2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.3. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer tol me if I missDISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to da big house.4. FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony this month, I have no moneyFORCLOSE.5. CATACOMB: Don King was at the fight the other night, man,somebody give that CATACOMB.6. ISRAEL: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looksfake. He said, No, ISRAEL.7. UNDERMINE: There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartmentUNDERMINE.8. STAIN: My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.9. SELDOM: My cousin give me two tickets to the Knicks game, so ISELDOM.10. HORDE: My sister get into trouble because she HORDE around inschool.11. FORTIFY: I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.
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SUBJ: More Newspaper Headlines* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing* House passes gas tax onto senate* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung* William Kelly was fed secretary* Milk drinkers are turning to powder* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
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SUBJ: Tracing it BackFrom the front page of the Potomac News, Woodbridge, Virginia,6 July 1996:"First person in U.S. has rare strain of HIV"[Editor's Note: Omigosh -- it all started with... COLUMBUS! ][Editor's Note II: You've really got to hate it when notes like*this* become necessary: Yes, I *know* that Columbus wasn't thefirst person in the U.S.; TIA to everyone who was poised to explainthat fact to me. ]
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SUBJ: More Analogies From "The Style Invitational"She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain,and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose therecipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (JosephRomm, Washington, D.C.)His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone hadgrabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing withthe tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond, VA)She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-basecoach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase, MD)Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseensince the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D." (John Kammer,Herndon, VA)Upon completing kindergarten, Lance felt the same sense ofaccomplishment the Unabomber feels every time he successfully blowsup another college professor. (Anonymous)After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feelrelieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet hisbed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, AL)You made my day, even a day as gray as white cotton sheets washedfor decades in cold water without bleach like no self-respectingwoman who came of age in the 1940s would allow in her house, muchless on one of her beds, but up with which she must put whenever shevisits one of her own daughters, just as if they had never beenbrought up right. (DEV, Madison, WI)
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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