My husband and I have been married for 13 years.
We've had our difficulties along the way. I suffered through anxiety/depression about 4 years into the marriage. I know I wasn't easy to deal with but made it through, eventually overcoming the ordeal a few years later.
But not soon after overcoming that, I found out my husband had an affair with an old friend. When confronted about it, he broke down with remorse and said he was sorry and that he didn't want us to split (we have two children together).
I forgave him, though hard to do (still today it hurts) and we worked on our marriage, felt like things were better than they have been but that was short lived, as life got busy and eventually it felt like we were just co existing.
He's busy with work, I'm busy at home taking care of the kids, house, him, ect
But I honestly felt like things were good even though we would fight and I am somewhat hard to deal with. I admit at one point I felt unhappy, not so much with him, but with myself (weight gain and insecurity from the affair). But it was rubbing off on him, I was not as affectionate or caring and most of the time angry and bitter.
Long story short, as the years went on, the harsh feelings have built up and I noticed a shift in our marriage. We weren't happy like we should be. We were less affectionate. Hardly any intimacy.
Just recently he finally opened up and told me he's unhappy and that he lost that feeling for me. He loves me because of everything we've been through and that I'm the mother of his children, but I guess he's not "in love" with me.
I find it unfair that if he's felt this way overtime, he should have came to me and we could have actively worked on it together. How was I to know he was unhappy? And honestly if I knew there was something I was doing wrong, I am more than willing to change or make it better.
Even through the bad times, I never imagined us not being together. I always knew I would stick it out. But he has expressed thoughts of separation.
But we've talked and he says he wants to work it out, perhaps see a counselor, and find our happiness again.
Which is great but here's my question:
Now I wonder did he ever really love me? We got married quick, only 2 months of dating. He said I made him happy and that's why he chose to commit to me. The vows say for better or for worse and unfortunately he saw the worst of me when I hit depression/anxiety but if you love someone, it's unconditional right?
So why the affair? He says he wasn't happy because of the situation at home (financial, fighting, ect..) almost like what's going on now actually. And he reached out this his "friend" which to me was an emotional affair which then led to more.
Even though he's expressed that he wants to work on us, in the back of my mind I keep wondering if he really does LOVE me. What if he changes his mind? What if he can't find that feeling again?
So how am I supposed to put 100% effort in loving him and making things better when I still feel insecure? It hurts. I just want to be confident in our marriage and know that he wants me, only me, and isn't just staying with me because of the kids.
Credit: loveknowsnoage.blogspot.com
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