Most couples who walk through my San Diego couples counseling center answer "yes" to all of these questions. Their ongoing fighting and arguing stems from their need to feel as if they are "right" and their spouse is "wrong."
Rather than working together, they plot their next move alone and end up hurting themselves in the process, feeling terribly alone, neglected and unloved.
The issue has little to do with who is "right" and who is "wrong." When couples refuse to take responsibility for their own role in their dysfunctional relationship, they place the blame on their partner. It takes two to tango, yet couples conveniently forget this when the road becomes bumpy and their relationship starts dwindling away.
The ongoing power struggle between each partner does little to resolve the real underlying problem. When a couple fails to resolve their issues, resentment builds. This resentment acts as a wedge between the couple; disconnecting and driving them further apart.
What is at the heart of the power struggles and arguments that cause couples to play the "blame game"?
PRIDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Pride is ugly, reckless and selfish. It's not surprising that pride is often the root cause of marital problems. It leads to divorce, vindicates adultery and can turn an otherwise healthy relationship into complete and utter chaos.
When couples allow pride to get in the way, they become arrogant, angry, defensive, selfish and intolerant of their partner's feelings. Pride only has one goal - To be the one who is "right."
In the constant battle to always be "right," a prideful person will build walls and barriers to protect themselves. By shutting others out, they become incredibly lonely. Despite this being their biggest fear, a prideful person will often choose to protect their own feelings or ego rather than admitting their fault and attempting to resolve their relationship.
Are you a prideful person? You can change your attitude with one simple thing: Humility.
THE KEY TO MENDING A SHATTERED MARRIAGE
Taking a humble approach to your relationship is the first step to picking up the pieces and mending your marriage. How would a humble partner handle an argument?
* Look at the problem from your partner's perspective. Instead of becoming defensive when your partner brings up a problem, try to understand where they are coming from. Look at things from their perspective and do so in an honest way.
* Admit your wrongdoings. Taking responsibility for your actions is the key to humility. Take a look at what you have done wrong and admit your mistakes. Nothing erases bitterness and resentment quite like an apology.
* Forgive and forget. Try not to justify your actions. Forgive your partner for their transgressions. Once your have forgiven them - let it go.
* Put your partner first. This is one of the most difficult parts of the process. It's human nature to put ourselves first. Humility asks us to put our partners first instead. Putting your partner's needs ahead of yours is of the utmost importance. Relationships are a two-way street. If each person continues to put their own needs ahead of their partner's, the relationship turns into a competition instead of a team effort.
If you think you could benefit from SAN DIEGO COUPLES COUNSELING please give Jan Rakoff a call today: 858-481-0425
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* What to do when your addicted partner won't seek help
* Fair Fighting Guide for Couples
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* How do I know when it's time to divorce?
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