Collage392

Collage 392 H u m o u r N e t 01 Apr 1998Due to the rising cost of e-mail and the suspicious lack of unsubsrecently, I am considering increasing the unsubscription fee fromUS5.00 to US35.00.Either that, or I might have John Mozena guest moderate again; theunsubscription fees from his last round in the driver's seat nearlycovered the entire RMark B., purportedly an educator in the United Kingdom, bringsus a pedagogical double header with "We'd Get Sued For This Today"and "We'd Get Sued, Take 2";Pastor Rus, HumourNet's very own Official List Chaplain, reveals hisDark Side with "We'd Get Sued, Take 3";Shawn King, moderator of our high-successful-until-the-lawsuits-start"sister list," Bawdy.Net, brings us another double header with "We'dGet Sued, Take 4" and "Fun With The Intellectual Proletariat";JD in NJ -- one of the "Fab Five" original HumourNetters, and an all-around great guy -- takes credit for contributing some "Good, CleanFun";Jeff in San Jose, California, provides instructions for "Becoming aHomicide Victim";Mark D. in London, England, sends along "Call Us If You Don't ReceiveThis Message";Matt in Hollywood, Florida, accepts kudos for the first installmentof "We'd Get Sued For These, Too";and Randy Cassingham, author of "This is True" (see your Welcomemessage for subscription instructions), brings us an piece that hasbecome an annual event, despite making its first appearance onHumourNet today: "The Annual Internet Cleaning."It's another "Practical Jokes" Collage, with the usual thanks goingout to our resident practical jokers.Enjoy! And watch out for those jokes...- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": MalpracticeHere's a practical joke someone pulled here at the University ofMinnesota. "Boynton" is the campus health service... "Well I put rubber cement on my chest to affix coffee grounds for the appearance of chest hair. And I am just wondering if you know of a solvent to get it off? I thought I could just rub it -- but it's not working." -- Norman, to the Boynton Health Nurse over the phone
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SUBJ: We'd Get Sued For This TodayApparently by C. HargraveThought I would share the (maybe true) tale from my head. A fewyears ago, [they] lined up the whole school by the medical room foran "injection." The children were then sent into the room one byone. They argued and were not at all happy about going in. Phonecalls to parents were not allowed. Once in the room, the childrensaw a board with a note, reading:"Please scream loudly! April Fool!"They would then exit by the other door and listen to the otherstrying to get out of going in!
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SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 2We also sent one to ask for 3m of fallopian tubing from the scienceprep room. After a short while he came back looking really pleasedwith a length of plastic piping that they had given him.
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SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 3For Wedding Receptions:Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT thebride and groom's knowledge. Pass them out to as many women aspossible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech, announcethe "The bride realizes that the groom has had a lot of girlfriendsover the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keysto his place could please return them."This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the weddingparty table. Try to get a couple of pregnant women in the group andmaybe somebody's grandma.
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SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 4Possibly by Kevin KlopI was part of an OS Enhancements group that was building a multi-CPUtesting system. A large number of 300-meg removable disk pack driveswere shared between two CPUs.As part of our work, we did what are commonly called "Thrash Tests"wherein you seek back and forth between the outermost cylinder andthe innermost cylinder.Remember that these are VERY quick drives, and that the heads buildup an hellacious amount of momentum.There was also a night operator that was: a) Universally disliked b) Knew almost nothing about computers except how to follow a checklist.We set up a timed job to run at midnight, just about the time thisoperator would be starting his backups.Along comes midnight, and suddenly all the disk drives in thecomputer room start thrashing angrily "Chugachugachugachuga," androcking back and forth. Eventually they started walking themselvesalong the floor.At the same time, on the operator's console, the screen blanks, andthe following words appear, centered, on the display: "I'm coming to get you."The operator quit the next day.
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SUBJ: Fun With The Intellectual ProletariatSeveral years ago, on April Fool's Day, one of the local radiostations announced that the Shuttle had landed in Vancouver.[Editor's Note: One of the well-known alternate landing sites forthe Shuttle outside the U.S. ;-) ]About 1000 people showed up.It gets better: One guy got [angry] at the radio station becausehe got fired!He told his boss he was going out to the airport to see the Shuttle.His boss, not exactly a rocket scientist himself, said, "I don'tcare if it's landing or not. You go, you're fired." The [idiot] bossdidn't even get the joke!I was driving somewhere that morning and I heard the "report" of theShuttle having to make an emergency landing. I thought, "Ha ha. Veryfunny. No one's stupid enough to fall for that."Sadly, I was mistaken by about a thousand.
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SUBJ: Good, Clean FunWant to have some fun in the dorm shower? Try this:Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream reallyloudly, exclaiming, "Hey! I didn't know I had one of *those*!"
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SUBJ: Becoming a Homicide VictimHere's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, ifsome guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and say,"Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"[Editor's Note: The tricky part is that "judge at the Olympics"step. Once you've got that, I'll bet that the rest of the joke ispretty easy. ]
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SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This MessageA friend of mine has a nice little scam which he pulls each year onthe 1st April.He quite often sends people jokes and the like in the form of twomessages -- the first is a question and the second is the answer.Well, often the answer arrives before the question, so he puts sometext in the answer to tell the readers to not open the message untilthey get the question.On April 1 each year he sends out a message with the subject "Jokeanswer: Do not open until you have read the question!" but neveractually sends out the question. Further, he requests a receiptwhich is sent automatically when they open the message. Thisprovides him with a rather neat way of keeping score of how wisepeople are. The ones who open it straight away are the savvy ones --they know that it's a scam and do not wait. The ones who wait a fewdays before opening it tend to be a little more embarrassed. But youwould be surprised to hear of the number of people who mail himweeks later, irately demanding that he send the question again sincethey do not want to open the answer until they get the question![Editor's Note: I'm not sure if this is a test of savvy orintegrity. ;-) Amusing, nonetheless... ]
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SUBJ: We'd Get Sued For These, TooHere's a few practical jokes we pulled at my college (ClearwaterChristian College, in Clearwater, Florida)...1) Jim came up with the idea of unscrewing the shower heads andfilling them with the contents of a packet of hot chocolate. (Alsoworks well with coffee and/or tea bags.)2) Right before room inspections, Jim also discovered that ifhe took an EMPTY (large and preferably Lay's) bag of potato chips,filled it with shaving cream, slid the open end under the victim'sdoor, then stomped hard on the other end, pieces of chips andshaving cream would cover everything. [If anyone attempts to repeatthis, place one foot on the back end of the bag BEFORE you stomp;otherwise you may blow everything all over yourself, the hall,etc...]3) My personal favorite was the old Saran-Wrap the commode. Would dothat 2 or 3 days in a row. After every one was aware what was goingon, and was checking for saran wrap, I'd quit. All were looking forSaran Wrap, and "else. So then, my prank begins: I wouldtake 2 McDonald's ketchup (and/or mustard, mayo, Taco Bell sauce,etc...) packages and carefully cut off ONE corner of each so thatthere was barely a pinhole-sized opening [slightly larger openingrequired with lumpy taco and relish sauces]. Then I'd put one ofthese packages under each of the front "feet" of the toilet seats,hole pointing BACK and IN. Amazingly foul language could be elicitedfrom "Christian" college students 8^)[Editor's Note: Matt actually has quite a collection of these; I'llsave the rest for future "Practical Jokes" Collages. Stay tuned!]
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SUBJ: Annual Internet CleaningIt's that time again!As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, whicheliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allowsfor a better working and faster Internet.This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMTon April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2 (the time least likely tointerfere with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period, fivepowerful Internet search engines situated around the world willsearch the Internet and delete any data that they find.In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that youdo the following: 1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections. 2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet. 3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet. 4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internetusers, and we apologize. However, we are certain that anyinconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speedand efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared ofelectronic flotsam and jetsam.We thank you for your cooperation.Kim DereksenNetwork Information CenterNetwork Solutions, Inc.Reston, Virginia
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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